Toasterific
by Molten-Ashes
Summary: "Ratchet is already having a field day just looking at us and taking blackmail image captures, I'm not about to add fuel to the proverbial fire by adopting the motions of a rocking horse!"
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers! or the Toaster idea, I sorta just went with it...

please R&R

(After reading fics that feature Ratchet ranting about turning people into toasters I decided to victimize some bots. crack. hope you enjoy)

* * *

Optimus Prime was having a nice day. No battles, no meetings, just good, safe, uninterrupted paperwork with some golden age classical music.

That is… he was having a peaceful, uninterrupted day until Jazz walked by his open office door carrying a transformer sized toaster with suspicious looking doorwings.

Curious Optimus stood from his nice, safe paper work and poked his helm around the door as the black and white saboteur casually let himself into Prowl's office. With a final glance to his unfinished paperwork he strode out into the corridor seriously hoping that he had made the right decision.

Optimus walked into his SIC's office, sub-spacing a data-pad as he went, might as well pretend to not be nosy. He glanced up from the scrawl of doodles to see Jazz plonk the toaster down on his SIC's desk in front of the small stack of data-pads that Prowl still had to do.

"Jazz?" he asked feigning surprise as the visor clad TIC looked up with a grin, giving the toaster a pat over the slots.

"Hiya OP!" Jazz grinned looking down at the toaster "Say hi Prowl!"

"Hello sir" the doorwing decorated toaster grumbled as he shuffled on the stubby legs of the black and white rectangle, little doorwings giving a flap for balance as Prowl tottered a little bit to quickly and risked rolling onto his side.

"I guess Ratchet followed through on his threat?" Optimus said biting his bottom lip-plate to prevent himself from laughing as Jazz pulled his bondmate back to his spot in front of the data-pads little legs straining for purchase on the metal desk.

"Actually it was Wheeljack, another experiment exploded while I was in the near vicinity" Prowl grumbled, his voice, a tad muffled, coming from the two slots in his back "Remember how he accidently turned the twins into Sparklings?"

"Yes, he was still working on that wasn't he?" Optimus asked trying to keep a straight face as Jazz made himself comfortable in his bondmate's chair as Prowl made slow progress of baby steps towards the stack of data-pads. "What's the news?"

"They got turned into toasters too" Jazz smiled evilly tapping Prowl on his lowered chevron that was pushed down "Three, Two, One"

Prowl's ruby chevron bounced up to the top of the SIC-turned-toasters helm - or where his helm would have been - the rack inside the slots popping back up into place with a jolt.

Two mini-toasters popped out, both squealing in delight as Jazz caught them and placed them on the desk. "Optimus meet mini-toaster Sideswipe and mini-toaster Sunstreaker!" the Saboteur laughed as the two baby toasters ran around Prowl on tiny stubby legs, the rocking horse motion of their run making Prime laugh out loud along with Jazz.

"It's not funny!" Prowl tried to shout in vain as the toaster twins ran about him squealing and laughing, not understanding in the least what was going on

Optimus coughed meaningfully "I apologize Prowl, how long will you be stuck like this?"

"Until Wheeljack fixes whatever device exploded" the agitated SIC grumbled as Sideswipe and Sunstreaker suddenly parked themselves on either side of the Datsun toaster, curled up against his legs and dropped off into re-charge drawing a sound that was suspiciously like 'aww' from behind Optimus' mask.

"Why were you keeping the twins in the slots Jazz?" Optimus asked as Prowl gave and irritated flap of his doorwings.

"They were cold" the Saboteur shrugged "I know Prowl is supposed to make energon toast but warming up mini-toasters seems to be another function"

"I'll give you mini-toasters" Prowl growled to himself managing to step over the sleeping twins and totter unstably to his work

"You should try that rocking horse run thing that the twins had going Prowl" Jazz suggested to his bondmate gently patting the Datusn turned kitchen appliance on a wing

"Not a chance" the SIC snapped trying to walk in a dignified manner instead of rocking like a childs toy to get where he wanted "Ratchet is already having a field day just having a look at us and taking blackmail image captures, I'm not about to add fuel to the proverbial fire by adopting the motions of a rocking horse!"

"He's had to babysit the twins all afternoon" Jazz stage whispered to a snickering Optimus "He's a little cranky that the twins have decided that he is now their mama toaster"

"Very funny Jazz, laugh it up" Prowl said sourly as he managed to get one data-pad off of the stack and tap away with his stubby new legs "No 'snuggle time' for you for a vorn, that I promise you"

"That's a bit harsh!" Jazz cried as Optimus rolled his optics

"Prowl not to be patronising but how can you see?" Optimus asked curiously as he noted that the Datsun had no optics that he could see

"Because I'm just that brilliant" Prowl snorted "I don't know actually, some hocus pocus or other. Wheeljack could probably explain"

"Prowl take some of those days off you have stored up to uh… take care of the twins" Optimus said easing the data-pad away from the datsun toaster who made a shrill note of protest "It's only until you are back to normal then I promise I will give you your data-pads back"

The Adult toaster grumbled and stumbled back over to Jazz just as the twins popped back onto their toaster legs. Both Twins made a beeline for Prowl and with Jazz's help jumped onto the SIC toaster's back to hitch a ride. "See ya later OP!" Jazz called as he walked out of the door, taking a moody Prowl and two bite-sized toasters with him

Optimus went back to his office chuckling deciding that, hey it could have been worse.

Suddenly Wheeljack's voice came over the ARK tannoy system "Uh… not to alarm anybody or anything but if you see a group of flying toasters that respond to Fireflight, Slingshot, Air Raid and Skydive can you please direct them back to the Medbay?"


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer!: I don't own Transformers!

Please R&R

(Yeah more crack featuring Toaster Prowl, Mini-Toaster Twins, Toaster Arielbots, the visiting Femme Division and and some of the ARK crew. Enjoy!)

* * *

A week.

A whole fragging week!

_Wheeljack is going to get put through a transformer sized shredder when I'm back to normal, I don't care if it'll be messy he slagging deserves it! Other more important matters my aft! _Prowl grumbled to himself as he tottered across the messy floor of Jazz's quarters, the baby Toaster twins following him like ducklings following their mother. They still insisted on that annoyingly cute rocking horse motion and would chirp and giggle at him as he allowed them a piggy back ride, both sitting on the raised rack in his toast slots.

In the medium light of Jazz's messy quarters he finally gave up and began to rock back and forth on his toaster legs like a demented rocking horse. To his surprised pleasure he actually got to the end of the room at a reasonable pace. It was undignified but it got him places, his pride would take a beating but it wouldn't really matter if he only used this method in emergencies.

The toaster twins sitting in his toaster rack giggled and laughed happily as Prowl managed to totter out of Jazz's door. The twins bounced down from his back and ran around in circles in the centre of the hall chasing each other in childish delight.

"And this is the Officer's quarters" He heard Inferno say cheerfully making him cringe and peer down the corridor.

There at the end of the corridor was half of the visiting Femme Division.

Oh. Slag.

"Oh, hi Prowl!" Inferno called waving at the Datsun toaster as the twins rushed back to him making most of the femmes turn to stare at him

"Inferno" he acknowledged trying to walk properly on his new legs and for the first time in a week managing it as the femmes gawked at him as he walked past. Mini-toaster twins sticking close to him, half shielded by his spread doorwings to keep his balance. "Femmes"

"Oh my Primus" gasped one of the femmes as they parted for him and watched him trot down the corridor "That is so CUTE!"

"Prowl run!" Inferno cried suddenly as the ground beneath Prowl began to violently vibrate when he was half way down the corridor

"Wha?" he asked half turning to see the femmes chasing him a wild adoring look in each of their optics "Oh, frag!" he cried as the twins jumped up onto his back and he took off at his rocking horse run in terror, meeting up with the terrified Arielbots at the junction of the corner, the poor flying toasters being pursued by the other half of the visiting Femme Division.

_**-Conference Room 2-**_

"Inferno to Optimus!" the startled panicked comm. interrupted the pleasant atmosphere of the meeting between the officers and the femme leaders. "Major, major problem!"

"Is it Decepticons?" Red Alert demanded

"No! Much worse! It's the femmes!" the fire engine cried "They just took off after Prowl and the Twins like rabid children after a fluffy toy! I think the Arielbots were running too as I saw them turn the corner!"

The Officers at the table groaned, Jazz's helm thunking onto the mahogany table donated by a furniture company. Elita gave an amused chuckle "So what's the problem?"

Optimus offered her a withering look "Prowl, the Twins and the Arielbots were caught in an accident."

"They're Toasters" Red Alert said bluntly "Sunstreaker and Sideswipe are mini ones because they got turned into sparklings by another of Wheeljack's explosions first, and Yes: this really happens almost on a monthly basis"

"Aww, they sound cute" Elita-One replied with a smile as Jazz frowned

"You're not the one going to have to deal with a ruffled Datsun toaster and two wailing baby toasters after this is over" the saboteur grumbled "Silverbolt will kill us if his brothers are used as cuddly toys as well. Thank Primus he's on patrol."

"Autobots, be calm" Optimus said "Red Alert, meet with Inferno and search the Rec-room and corridors along the way to the Monitor Room and see if you can find our missing toasters and femmes. Comm link the nearest bot to help rescue Prowl and the others, preferably before they get caught by the femmes. The rest of you split up and search every nook and cranny you can think of."

"Aye sir!" the bots saluted before scattering in a flourish

**_-Corridor C-_**

"Inferno" Red Alert called as the large fire engine was kneeling beside a ventilation duct calling Prowl and the Twin's names. The large bot jerked in embarrassment and scrambled to his pedes.

"Heya, Red"

"Come on, we have to check the Rec room and the corridor on the way to the Monitor room" the Security director said as they jogged down the corridor.

"Nice to see you aren't freaking out about this Red" Inferno said with a grin as they halted at the doors to the Rec room.

"On the contrary I'm finding all of this quite amusing" Red Alert said returning Inferno's grin with a soft smile "Though I'm putting the risks of the situation to the back of my processor"

Inferno chuckled as they peered into the rec-room hoping that Prowl and his toaster comrades were hiding under a table or in a shady corner. Sadly the only occupants were the minibot posse, having an arm wrestling tournament and Bluestreak.

Bluestreak's optics were firmly glued to the Rec room's large TV screen. Red Alert jumped when the grey Datsun suddenly let out a wail "No you stupid cow! Stop talking about the restaurant and kiss him damn it, he even has a ring! The sooner you kiss him the sooner I get to watch Bambi!"

"Disney?" Red Alert asked as everybody else ignored the now annoyed Datsun hurling abuse at the female character on screen

"Disney" Inferno confirmed "Princess and the Frog I believe" Inferno supplied with a soft chuckle "This is his fourth Disney film today"

"Isn't he supposed to be on guard duty?" asked Red Alert looking concerned

"No, it's his day off." Inferno assured him "He normally has a movie marathon, last month it was cartoons by Pixar; Finding Nemo was the favourite. Remember? Prowl got called Grumpy Gills by half the ARK when he was locked out of his office for overworking again a day after it was shown"

"Come on" the usually paranoid Red Alert sighed shaking his helm in exasperation as they finally got back to the Security Directors domain.

"Got 'em!" Inferno cried spotting the group of toasters fleeing the swarm of femmes down in the cargo decks, Prowl comically being supported by Slingshot and Air Raid as they zoomed through the air, the mini-toasters on Prowl's back waving their little legs in delight at the fast speeds "Corridor 15 level four!"

Red Alert's fingers swept over a computer terminal's keys finding the nearest mech available to help as he relayed the co-ordinates to the searching officers on the upper decks. "Thank Primus, Hound is down there."

"Hound, this is Red Alert" the Security Director hailed "Get ready to intercept some terrified toasters"


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers

Please R&R!

(Sorry this took so long, I totally forgot about this... anyway thank you to everybody who has read, reviewed and/or faved! enjoy!)

* * *

Hound stumbled as the ground started to vibrate.

"What in the Pit?" he squawked dropping the crate he had been moving, the fragile contents inside smashing as they hit the floor "aww frag! Those were the last optic replacements; Ratchet is going to have my helm!"

"Hound!" Red Alert practically shouted down his comm. link making him wince "Get ready to intercept some terrified toasters!"

"Hound here" the scout replied looking about him trying to stay on his pedes as the ground shook "Where are they? All I see is a dust cloud… wait… oh… sla…"

Static wiped through the comm. making Red Alert wince and recoil from the loud white noise "Uhh… Inferno?"

"Yes Red?" the fire engine asked looking up from where he was still passing out the information

"Tell Optimus we might have to bury Hound"

"Why?" his companion asked

"The femmes just ran him over" replied the security director as he opened a line to Mirage "Mirage, do you have access to Hounds burial rights?"

"Yeah, why?" asked the noble as he flickered into view on a camera clearly startled "What's happened?"

"The femmes kind of ignored the universal gesture for stop and ran right over him" Red Alert explained "I'll need to know how he wanted to get sent off if the damage I'm looking at right now is fatal"

"Stop mourning over Hound and get us out of here!" Prowl shrieked down the comm. line "I'm a fragging toaster that has no weapons, and no suitable defences to warn off cuddle obsessed femmes!"

"Wheeljack says that he is working on a solution!" Inferno reported as he watched other mechs charge across the camera screens frantically trying to find the bunch of mech-turned-toasters before the femmes did "and Ratchet is going to fetch Hound and repair him"

"Prowl how are you communicating with me?" Red Alert asked curiously as he traced the signal to a closet just beyond the supply deck and where Hound, covered in numerous pede marks was dazedly demanding the licence plates of the femmes that had run him over to an amused Ratchet.

"The twins found an old comm. link in a box" Prowl grumbled "Air Raid tossed them into the box when Sunstreaker kicked him. Air Raid will need medical attention when this is over."

"Over Protective Mummy Toaster?" Inferno chimed in cheerfully

"You could say that" the SIC toaster replied almost sounding smug before calling to his other toaster comrades "What have we learned?"

"Prowl kicks more aft than we do" Slingshot and the other Ariel-toasters chorused in sullen tones

"Especially when he is in mummy mode" Air Raid grumbled sounding a little choked up

"Don't make me force that data-pad into your other slot" Prowl returned

"The femmes are now splitting into groups Prowl" Red Alert sighed in relief "I'll send Jazz down to get you"

"Good, and tell him to hurry, I think I have some Styrofoam peanuts stuck in my slots" Prowl replied before cutting the link.

_**-Jazz-**_

Jazz groaned as he managed to bluff his way through a group of searching femmes sending them in the completely wrong direction before slyly slipping into the storage closet.

"Prowl, Arielbots, Twins, you in here?" he whispered turning on his night vision only to stub his pede on Prowl as the Datsun toaster came over to him

"Ouch! Slag it Jazz!"

"Opps sorry Prowler, did I hurt anything?"

"No"

"Mores the pity" grumbled Air Raid from somewhere above him

"Shut up you" Prowl demanded "Or I'm going to do my own version of Toaster Jet Judo right here and now"

"Ha, I'd like to see you try you walking calculator" the jet toaster jeered

"Uhh, guys" Jazz intervened catching Prowl as the toaster Datsun surprisingly jumped to hip level frantically flapping his doorwings "As much as I'm enjoying Prowl freak out and generally go OPMT on you all, we need to get you to Wheeljack's lab. He says he might be able to turn you all back to normal."

"What's OPMT?" asked Fireflight ungracefully crashing into Jazz's shoulder making the saboteur wince

"Over Protective Mummy Toaster" Jazz grinned hugging a struggling Prowl to him "Hey Prowl, where are the Twins?"

"In the Styrofoam box" Prowl replied relaxing fractionally as he flicked his toaster-wings and popped his slots a few times to get rid of the Styrofoam peanuts that the Twins had placed in him "Why do we even have Styrofoam?"

"Red Alert took a liking for it after he transported his cameras in a box of the stuff and it didn't break" Jazz explained spitting out the peanut of the squidgy substance that had flown into his mouth as it was ejected from Prowl's toaster slots. "Ah ha! There you are!"

The Twins were doing dolphin impressions in a box of the peanuts squealing and giggling when Jazz holding Prowl under one arm and balancing the Arieltoasters on his shoulders reached down to grab them.

"Jazz!" Red Alert cried down the comm. link "Femmes headed your way! Get out of their! Optimus can only stall them for so long!"

"Scrap!" the Saboteur cursed as he managed to grab Sunstreaker and dump him on Prowl before looking for Sideswipe "Come on Sides… we gotta go!"

Suddenly the door hissed open making Jazz and his toaster friends freeze. Their, standing on the other end of the door, was a group of femmes. "Slag"

"We found you!" the squealed as Jazz bolted, managing to grab Sideswipe as he poked out of the box to look for his twin.

"Red! Directions out of the ARK please!" Jazz cried sprinting as fast as he could, several other groups of femmes appearing to join in the chase.

"What? Why?" the Security Director asked incredulously

"I'm having a panic attack, and I've forgotten which way I'm going" Jazz replied as Red Alert dutifully rattled off the directions "Freedom!" he cried bowling into the sunlight with his toaster cargo.

What Jazz didn't expect was to collide with a large mech of storm grey plating, with a fusion cannon hanging off of his arm.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers

please R&R

(Crack! Starring Toaster!Prowl, Toaster!Twins, Toaster!Arielbots, Jazz, Megatron, the Decepticons and the Femme Division! Thank you to everybody who had read, reviewed and/or faved! Enjoy!)

* * *

Megatron had been having a nice day; he had planned a flawless sneaky assault on the ARK that had been guaranteed to work. Guaranteed to work that is, until the TIC of the Autobots crashed right into him with what could only be described as Transformer sized Toasters.

"Uh-oh" the visored mech squeaked even as he chucked the black and white toaster at him which he caught on reflex. "Here, happy Hanukah!"

"What the frag Autobot?" he snarled in return tossing the toaster back at the saboteur. The toaster letting out a surprised and mortified squawk as it landed back in the porche's arms.

"Here!" Jazz protested as the toaster once again landed in the War Lords hands, the small, dare he say it, cute, doorwings began to flap on either side of the toaster in clear anger and mortification "Take him! He's safer with you!"

"Stop throwing this toaster at me!" the Decepticon leader snarled after a few more tosses of the poor Prowl at each other "I came here for a battle! Not a game!"

"Jazz!" the toaster admonished struggling in Megatron's grip "Get me out of here! The femmes are still behind us you know!"

In his shock, Megatron dropped the toaster causing the kitchen appliance to give a shriek of surprise and land heavily on his pede "Slag it!" the War Lord cursed withdrawing his pede to hop like a demented rabbit as the toaster started shouting, while bouncing angrily on the spot, doorwings flapping a mile a minute as it conveyed it's angry distress

"You handed me over to Megatron!" Prowl wailed as the rest of the Decpeticon force watched their leader curse and hop on his remaining un-dented pede "I feel so unclean!" with that the Datsun Toaster turned to the Decepticon army and growled at the leader "Oh grow up you titanic sized sparkling! I'm not that heavy!"

"Prowl… you actually are quite heavy" Fireflight chimed in as his brother toasters dog piled on him to shut him up, the fritzing Datsun Toaster rounding on them with another growl, his mini-toaster babies hiding in his slots

"I'm not! It's the doorwings! They weigh nearly a third of my frame!" Prowl snapped crisply arching his small doorwings and giving the impression that the toaster was in a huff

"Denial" snorted Air Raid as the ground started to vibrate "well there goes our escape window"

Femmes flooded out of the ARK's entrance the crazed look in their optics making Jazz cringe as they rounded on him "Why did you take our cute little toasters?" one demanded scooping up Air Raid and almost crushing him in a hug, making the Airelbot give a desperate gasp for atmosphere, his little legs waving frantically

"To tight!" he gasped "To Tight!" his voice taking on a shriller note as the seconds ticked by

"It wasn't my fault!" Jazz squeaked bolting to hide behind Starscream who gave an undignified squawk and tried to backpedal as the femmes advanced their optics flickering with malice "They made me do it! I was under their control!" he declared pointing wildly at the purple branded Decepticons whose gazes flickered to him in anger and horror.

"You tried to take our Cuddle Toasters!" another growled flexing fingers into scary looking claws

"The Decepticons were after our Toasters!" a blue and black femme scowled "Get them!"

"We didn't do anything!" Starscream shrieked taking to the air to avoid the punch that was aimed at his faceplate as Megatron finally stopped whining over his dented foot and took notice of the Femme Division who were beginning to circle

"Suggestion:" Soundwave said his monotone voice tinged with static fear "Retreat?"

"I concur" Megatron said backing away slowly his fusion cannon levelled at the advancing mass of female cybertronians. "Decepticons! Retreat!"

"Run for your life!" Starscream screeched as another femme took a running jump at him.

_**-Somewhere in the ARK-**_

"Jazz. I'm going to deactivate you" Prowl snarled flapping his cramped wings as he was cradled on his back in Moonracer's arms "Slowly and painfully"

The Twins were snoozing on another femme's lap both chirring and cooing when they were fussed over. The Arielbots were being passed from femme to femme getting pampered and hugged.

"Who's a good toaster" Moonracer cooed at him tickling his small legs and stroking his chevron lever making him wave his legs more fitfully as he fought from giggling.

"Enjoying yourself Prowl?" Air Raid said as a femme buffed his plating and stroked his wings

"No, get over yourself you Barbie doll" the Datsun sniffed, clearly still mad at the Arielbot toaster for throwing the Twins in to the styrofoam filled box, as Moonracer balanced him on her lap and began to clean his plating… again. "Jazz! Get me out of here! I'm going to have a major crash if this goes on much longer!" he almost wailed at the saboteur that was magnetised to his seat by the door

"Prowl, I've been magnetised to my seat" the TIC said earning himself a few glares from the possessive femmes that had practically wrestled the mech-toasters from him after Megatron had fled and the femmes, fearful that he would take their new cuddly objects away, had strapped him to the chair. "If I could even move I'd go get Prime"

"I'm calling mine Squishy" Firestar cooed at Fireflight who gave a small groan as he was hefted into the air over the femme's head, legs kicking obediently and wings drooping in embarrassment.

"Haha!" Air Raid, Skydive and Slingshot laughed from on their recently crafted Toaster beds

"Blast it all" Prowl growled as he was put in the 'play pen' with the Twins who ran about him excitedly "where's Prime?"

The door hissed open admitting Elita and Chromia both grinning evilly "Hello Jazz" Elita acknowledged scooping up Prowl and hugging him to her chest plate, planting a kiss on the toaster "I see you've stumbled onto my grand scheme"

"What?" Jazz shouted as Chromia smiled slyly

"We saw Prowl and the others had turned into these cute little toasters, I simply had to have one" Elita explained rubbing her cheek against one of Prowl's wings with a purr "Oh, don't worry Jazz, I'll give him back later, once I've had my cuddles. Now come along Prowl, I want to play with those delightful wings of yours"

"Elita!" Prowl struggled "As SIC of the Autobots I demand that you put me down, this is behaviour unbecoming of the Femme Division Commander!"

"Not listening" Prime's bondmate sing-songed as she held onto him even tighter "You know Prowl, you are so cute like this"

With a mortified wail from the Datsun toaster in the background, Chromia released the shocked TIC who bolted from his chair and ran screaming down the corridor like Red Alert on the fritz "Prime! The femmes have gone mad!"

* * *

A/N: I really need to give poor Megs a proper battle one of these days... -_-'


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers!

Please R&R!

(Crack! I forgot about this story... again (everything else is still in the works by the way)... and was suddenly inspired to do a little Ratchet torturing so here it is. Hope you enjoy!)

* * *

Racing down the corridor as if his aft was on fire, Jazz quickly sifted through the mechs he could alert to the Toaster-bots' plight. He passed a startled looking Mirage who was helping a newly patched up Hound towards the rec-room as he skidded around the corner towards his destination.

Jazz burst into the command room startling Optimus and Ironhide who were discussing improvements that could be made to the shooting range. In his surprise at the sudden appearance of the panicked looking TIC, Ironhide's cannons activated.

With a startled yelp Jazz hit the floor as a cannon blast rocketed over head blasting a new hole in an already patched area right beside the identification panel. Optimus groaned rubbing his optics as Ironhide sheepishly offered an apology. "No new improvements to the shooting range Ironhide" Optimus said shaking his helm as Jazz looked up from where he had flung himself at the floor, looking mildly peeved. "That budget is going into fixing the wall… _again_."

"What is it with people shooting at or tying me up today?" Jazz whined picking himself up off the floor as Blaster and Smokescreen giggled from their posts.

"My apologies Jazz" Optimus said as Ironhide went into a sulk, rereading over Optimus' orders on the data-pad "What seems to be the problem?"

"Femmes" Jazz huffed placing his servos on his hips "Your femmes have been plotting to kidnap my Toaster bondmate since they were informed of the change. I was running, I crashed into Megatron, the femmes threw a hissy fit at the Decepticons and then I got tied up as Elita and Chromia stole the toaster-bots!"

Optimus' optics brightened in amusement "Oh, it'll be fine" he said flicking his servo as if to shake off any Jazz's concern "Elita may have an unhealthy obsession with cute things but she would never willingly hurt one"

"That's not the point!" Jazz wailed wind milling his arms in distress "My toaster Prowl was stolen!"

Optimus laughed aloud while Ironhide was still grumbling about sneaky saboteurs ruining his chances of getting a new shooting range.

"They'll be fine Jazz" Optimus reassured as Ironhide stalked from the room telling Grapple and Hoist over the comm. link that 'Yes, I know I should deactivate my cannons when I'm in the Command Room, stop nagging me about it... Yep, it's in the usual spot.' "The femme's will get bored of them eventually"

"But I want my Toaster Prowl now!" Jazz demanded stamping a pede like a spoiled child denied a bar of chocolate

Optimus grinned behind his mask as he sat in his chair "Jazz… are you jealous?"

"No!" Jazz said standing straighter crossing his arms over his chest "I just want Prowler"

"Denial!" Smokescreen sang on his way past their commander's chair, balancing a few data-pads in his arms to deliver to Red Alert's Security Room.

"Shut up Smokey" Jazz grumbled before getting back on track "Well? What are we going to do?"

Optimus sighed clasping his hands "Fine, I'll send Ratchet down"

_**-Ratchet's POV-**_

"What do you mean 'I'm the only one who can save them?'" the medic spluttered as he was called down to the command room.

"Well we can exactly send the Dinobots" Jazz retorted moodily from a spare chair, cleverly positioned so that he couldn't be hit with a wrench without the object hitting some of Teletraan's more delicate controls. Little Fragger. "They don't have the finesse for this mission"

"And I do?" Ratchet asked puzzled his murderous temper giving way to confusion and mild amusement.

"Apart from flinging wrenches at bots and knocking them out cold…yeah" Optimus nodded wearily

"Can't you just send in Ironhide?" the CMO almost whined "He's trigger happy and will be enough of a distraction"

"Involved with Chromia" Jazz pointed out blandly "He'll sooner shoot himself than take something 'cute and cuddly' from her that she wants"

"Mirage" Ratchet listed grasping at straws "He'd be in and out in two clicks"

"Still helping Hound regain the use of his legs and get over his new fear of femmes" Optimus sighed rubbing his optics.

"Wheeljack" The suggestion sounded desperate even to his own audios and earned him two sceptic looks from the CO and TIC.

"I'm just going to throw out the obvious answer and say, He'll only make it worse… somehow." Jazz snickered.

"So this is it then?" Ratchet said servos on hips a scowl on his faceplate "After all these vorns of faithful, if not temperamental repair service, you're sending me to get deactivated by femmes that will blow a gasket when they realise i'm there to steal back the Toaster-bots?"

Optimus and Jazz looked at each other before whipping out their data-pads "What colour of tomb stone would you like?"

_**-Wheeljack's Lab— **_

Wheeljack jumped as he swore he had heard Ratchet's enraged yell. He put down his screwdriver and looked about him in confusion. That couldn't be possible; Ratchet was nearly five floors above him on the command deck. The explosion prone enginner shrugged with a frown behind his facemask "You're getting old 'Jackie, you've started to hear things" he chuckled to himself going back to his project with renewed vigour, waiting for the Toaster-bots to be returned to his lab.

_**-Corridor D—**_

"I'm telling you, I'm not doing it!" Ratchet snarled clawing at the floor leaving furrows where his fingers were as he was dragged down the corridor, Optimus and Jazz tugging a pede each on their way to Femme Division's part of the ship.

"Do it for the Autobot cause then" Optimus grunted dragging the struggling weight of his CMO across the orange floor wincing at the audio splitting shrieks of his friends fingers made upon the metal. "I'll give you a bonus"

"Frag the Autobot cause and Slag your bonus" Ratchet hissed venomously "I don't even get paid! We're in a war frag it!"

"Aww, I think we made him mad OP" Jazz snickered, his amusement ending in a yelp as Ratchet managed to twist around and fling a wrench at his helm which collided with a satisfying clang.

"I know what I'm going to do to you the next time you're in my medbay" Ratchet suddenly purred ceasing his struggles and letting himself get towed, leaning his helm on a servo as his elbow joint was dragged across the floor "I'm going to leave your pain receptors on the entire time, I'm going to make sure you are awake, and then I'm going to get Wheeljack to explode something in your near vicinity and mail your parts to Hook on the Nemesis so HE can rebuild your ungrateful afts!"

"Memo to you to me" Optimus whispered over a comm. line as they reached Elita's door where femme giggling could be heard within. "Let's erase his memories after this whole fiasco is over."

"Will do Prime" Jazz shuddered as they tugged Ratchet up into standing, knocked on the door and fled in the opposite direction, leaving the moody CMO of the Autobots standing in resigned exasperation at the Femme Leader's door that slid open with an ominous hiss.


End file.
